I've written several different types of columns now. Some were intended to be thought provoking, some were faith based and most, I hope, were humorous.
This time, I'd like to try my hand at an advice column, except I'm not giving any advice -- I'm requesting it.
I have told you that I've been married for about 15 years now and that there were still numerous things we would still like to learn about one another. One of those things is how we can effectively communicate with each other. I know that many of you reading this have been married much longer than I have been, so perhaps you can help me solve this enigma.
Now, I'm already aware that men and women communicate differently. It's estimated that a women speaks five words for every word a man speaks. Generally speaking, women communicate more detail and emotion in their language than men do, which largely accounts for that disparity. I understand and accept that (except when I'm in a hurry).
My issue concentrates more on the fact that there are certain times and certain areas in which what I say to her and what she says to me seem to pass each other like two ships in the night. Sometimes what she says and what I hear are two different things, and vice versa.
A couple of months ago, my wife, Chandra, and I were preparing to run errands. We had separate items on our agendas, and we needed to take separate cars to get everything accomplished on time. Part of what she needed required the help of her friend, Heather, so my wife was going over to Heather's house. I asked one simple question: "Are we leaving at the same time?"
Chandra answered, "Kristen (Heather's daughter-in-law) is coming to pick me up and then we'll head to Heather's. Heather had surgery this week, so she's going to have me drive her car and Ralph (Heather's husband) will take Kristen's car."
I just stood there staring at her with my mouth open like a dope. Was that a "Yes" or a "No?"
Of course, it's not always that extreme. Most of the time, it's the small miscommunications that lead to large misunderstandings, which then lead to huge fights.
Truthfully, I do try to avoid the misunderstandings in the best way I know to do so. I'm a very analytical person, and I spent the early part of our marriage analyzing her words and responses so I would know what she wanted. I found out later that she didn't like that because, according to her, I would just use it against her at some point when I lovingly -- always lovingly -- pointed out that what she just said had taken on a different meaning than when she had said it before. My sweetie pie has taught me the value of context.
By no means do I think I'm faultless in any of this. I do make mistakes, and I'm not one of those people who never admit when they are wrong. I have been wrong twice this year already. And I freely admitted it each time, after it was brought to my attention through lively debate.
There does tend to be argument when misinterpretations occur, but, as a means of gaining understanding, that has not been an effective tactic for me either. I tend to arm myself with logic and reason which, as any married person knows, has no place in an argument with your spouse.
Therefore, I'd rather learn to use compassion and comprehension. I'd like to know what makes this woman tick. Despite what I sometimes feel, I know she has not made it her purpose to drive me crazy. My goal is to find the Rosetta stone of our two language styles. I know we can build upon our commonalities to make our communication better.
I'm sure there are more than a few of you out there who have gone through what we're going through. What worked for you? What absolutely did not work?
I'd love to know what you think the secret is to healthy, effective communication.
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Robert Honeycutt is the office manager at The Weekly Vista. His email address is [email protected]. The opinions expressed are those of the author.
Editorial on 03/01/2017