It's a tale of dental floss gone awry.
Anyone who tells you that generic dental floss is the same as the name brand doesn't use much dental floss.
The other day I was flossing my teeth before work. I had run out of my favorite upper-end dental floss, so I grabbed a package of generic floss sold by the world's largest retailer that I had in a drawer.
I didn't want to use it, but I wanted clean teeth.
Now, I should preface this by saying that I didn't used to be a big flosser. I know I should have been, but I just didn't like to do it. I didn't think I needed to do it, but I should have. Multiple dentists told me so.
At a high school reunion a couple of years back, I was making small talk to a friend, who was on the yearbook staff with me, who is now a dental hygienist. Don't know how we got on the subject, but she asked if I flossed.
Telling her I know I should, she started going into all the reasons why I should take some responsibility. Well, I tried it and I liked it.
Flossing does help, and the hygienist at my current dentist remarked at the last visit that I was doing a good job of flossing. Thanks, I said.
I digress.
Anyway, I started flossing between two of my back molars. Down into the crevasse goes the floss when it abruptly snaps, leaving a flossy piece stuck between the two teeth.
Thinking I could make the generic floss work, I thought I could take another piece of floss, push the stuck piece down and then pull it out through the side of the teeth. Genius move.
But the second piece snapped as well, so now I had two pieces stuck on top of each other. And the second piece left a long string hanging in my mouth.
Not wanting to call the dentist, I decided I could pull the pieces out with a yank. It's tough to hold on to slippery floss, so I went to the garage and grabbed some needle-nose pliers. I carefully grabbed the string and pulled. The string broke. I tried it again with the same results. By now, the long string was less than an inch long and still stuck in my mouth.
Next I tried a toothpick. It broke. Then I got one of those plastic floss-and-pick things. I tried pushing the floss end through and the floss broke. I turned it around and tried the plastic pick end, but the floss didn't budge.
You wouldn't think a thin piece of string could put so much pressure on your teeth, but it does.
It was time to call the dentist's office, which is embarrassing. How do you explain that you have floss caught in your teeth and you were wondering if the dentist or an assistant had time to remove it?
I could almost hear the laughing on the other end. But Tina, the receptionist, was very nice.
"We could see you around 9 a.m., if that would work." I could almost hear her snicker as I booked the appointment.
So off I went to Fayetteville to my dentist.
I walked in and Tina greeted me with a smile (I think I saw a silent laugh). Trying to say something witty, I told her it doesn't pay to buy the cheap stuff.
Keep in mind that floss isn't very expensive. My favorite brand is in the mid to upper 90-cent range, and generic floss is just pennies cheaper. You're not wasting a lot of money by going for the good stuff.
I had a seat and pretty soon one of the assistants came out and took me to the chair for the big operation.
I asked if this sort of thing happens very often, and she said more than you think. People are in all the time, she added, trying to make me feel better.
"They must have used the world's largest retailer's generic floss like me," I replied. She smiled. I tried to explain that I ran out of my favorite floss and had to use generic. She pointed out rather quickly that my favorite brand was a little bit stronger than the generic stuff. No kidding.
So, she threads a needle, which I can't see, with floss and deftly runs it between the two teeth and then yanks up.
The obstruction pops out. She then picks around to get the tiny tentacles out of the slot.
The pressure relieved, she said she was all done.
The moral of the story is don't go cheap on dental floss -- you get what you pay for. And don't forget to floss.
* * *
Throne is managing editor of The Weekly Vista.
Editorial on 01/15/2014