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OPINION: Beware of the cow!

September 1, 2021 at 4:00 a.m.

According to an article from the Times of London, cows on the French-owned island of Corsica took over a beach, chasing away tourists and shocked sunbathers. One unruly beast managed to gore an unlucky man in the neck, sending him to the hospital. The herd pursued other beachgoers down nearby roads.

Local mayors say there is little they can do, as some 15,000 cows roam the island and farmers refuse to keep the animals penned. The cows claim ownership of the island and its beaches even though beaches have little grass or other foods bovines usually eat. Island residents suspect the cows want to fish and sunbathe in the nude.

In Los Angeles, some 40 cows escaped from a slaughterhouse and stampeded through a neighborhood, trampling bushes, pooping in yards and knocking over trash cans. Police eventually detained the cows; however, one was shot and killed when he charged an officer who was not wearing a body camera. Rev. Al Sharpton, retained by the deceased cow's family, hinted that a civil suit against the LAPD might be forthcoming.

I am not surprised by such bovine behavior. I have long suspected cows of harboring terroristic tendencies despite their usually calm demeanor. In the past, cows were depicted as gentle giants, gladly giving us milk and happily sacrificing their bodies to provide meat in exchange for feed and grain. They tolerated the humiliation of appearing in Gary Larson's "The Far Side" comic strips. But today's cow is different. Genetic tinkering and steroid injections have produced larger and stronger cows fueled by "roid rage." Their milk production is higher. It is not a far reach to conclude that some of these changes may have enhanced their brains to the point that they understand their role in the world. And they aren't happy about it.

Radio, television and even internet access are standard in today's dairy barns and feedlots. I believe cows have heard CNN and Fox News stories for years now, acquiring knowledge of the human language and social norms. They listened to stories about cow emissions contributing to climate change. Cattle are the primary agricultural source of greenhouse gases worldwide. A single cow will produce around 200 pounds of methane per year, almost 30 times more potent than carbon dioxide in warming the atmosphere. But, so far, no one has invented a catalytic converter that fits cattle.

Doctors encourage people to eat less beef to protect themselves from heart disease, and so, herds have declined over the last few years. Cows, known for their paranoia, believe humans now see cows as an existential threat.

No wonder cows are angry and acting out on beaches! They are blamed for Mankind's problems and, by their thinking, unfairly so. Bovine self-esteem must be at an all-time low. They are mad and not taking it anymore!

But cattle know humans outnumber them. Being four-legged and hooved doesn't allow them to fire guns or toss grenades. They could withhold their services from humans, going on strike, and not providing dairy products. As Bessie the Cow was heard to remark, "they can have my milk when they squeeze it from my cold, dead udders."

However, cows aren't the only animals with a grudge against humans. They've seen "Planet of the Apes" and the countless YouTube videos depicting animals being humiliated. All they need is to make the argument to chimps, pigs, squirrels, cats and dogs that humans pose a threat to them as well. This may be easier than one would think since cows are excellent marketing strategists (hence the term "cash cow.") Humans will have little choice but to submit to their demands once the animals are united.

Cute cat videos and animal rescue stories have lulled us into complacency concerning the danger of animals taking over the world. We spend millions spoiling our pets with designer food and toys. At least twice a day, my cat demands to be brushed, or else I find cat yack on the carpet. The neighbor's dog refuses to leave the road when I drive by, forcing me to the shoulder or a complete stop until she decides to move. My dogs appear to be conspiring with the goats and chickens instead of chasing them as usual. They lie together under my truck, probably trying to cut the brake lines.

Maybe I'm the paranoid one, but why would cows take over a beach when they have pastures that provide all their needs? It has to be for tactical reasons. If reports surface of cows commandeering boats, we're definitely in trouble.

-- Devin Houston is the president/CEO of Houston Enzymes. Send comments or questions to [email protected] The opinions expressed are those of the author.

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