His own experience has equipped Jim Rowland for his volunteer job. A retired Methodist minister who raised three children, Rowland is also the son of an abusive alcoholic. He understands how addiction can run in some families and how important it is to break that cycle. He also understands the difficult choices some grandparents are forced to make. Rowland and his wife Jamey are facilitators for a support group designed for grandparents raising grandchildren.
The Rowlands have been raising their biological granddaughter, 15-year-old Caitlyn, since she was 13 months old.
"It's a tough decision," he said, about grandparents stepping in. Not only are the grandparents giving up their own retirement, but they are also making a decision that may put them at odds with their own son or daughter. But in the end, it's the best interest of the grandchild that has to come first.
"I'm not a big believer in our foster care system," he said.
He believes that more and more grandparents are finding themselves in the same situation as drugs become more and more prevalent in society. Today it's both methamphetamine and opioids that are to blame.
The support group, which meets at the First United Methodist Church on the second and fourth Wednesday of each month, is open to all grandparents acting as parents. So far, Rowland said, the grandparents have had a lot of questions. No one has all the answers, but members of the group can talk about how they handled those same issues.
For example, grandparents have a lot of questions about smartphones. When is a child old enough to have his or her own phone? What precautions need to be taken? One member of the group shared information about an app that helps her monitor her grandchild's location and texting. Most grandparents didn't have to worry about their own children having the ability to access the world wide web. It's a different culture now, Rowland said.
If the parent is still in the grandchild's life, it's vital to set boundaries, Rowland said. He doesn't tell other grandparents what those boundaries should be, but he encourages them to think about what's best for the grandchild.
Stability for the child is important.
He told his granddaughter about her mother and explained that even though her mother loved her, she couldn't care for her.
The Rowlands began by getting guardianship of their granddaughter. It was necessary to add her to their health insurance policy, but they had to convince their daughter to sign off on the plan. Eventually, they realized that Caitlyn needed to know where she belonged and they adopted her.
"You need a good relationship with your own spouse," Rowland said. Both the grandmother and grandfather should be committed to the child. He knows a few families where one half of the senior couple is sick, leaving the other spouse to care for a spouse and a child at the same time. It's possible, he said, but it's not easy.
Often the grandparents have to struggle with the fear that they'll make a mistake with their grandchildren, like those they may have made with their own children.
"You can't undo what's done," Rowland advises them. Then he reminds them that ultimately God is in control. Sometimes you just have to trust.
When his own children were growing up, Rowland wasn't always there for them. As adults, they've told him they remember he was always at work. Now, he's retired and he can be there for his granddaughter. He's teaching her how to drive and they fish together. He even plays video games with her.
The most important thing he can offer to the other grandparents is support.
"Everyone needs to know that they aren't alone," he said.
General News on 05/08/2019