Contrary to popular belief, Valentine's Day is not a celebration of romantic love, nor is it to commemorate the third century killing of St. Valentine by Roman authorities. There were actually at least three different St. Valentines, so those stories can get confusing. No, my theory is that Valentine's Day was invented to more sharply define the differences between men and women as to what constitutes love. Or, more simply, to prove that men stand no chance in winning the battle of the sexes.
I don't think I really ever went through a period in my childhood where I thought girls were gross. I was always in the market for a grade school fling. "Fling" actually being nothing more than trying to attract the girl's attention, usually by making a joke at her expense, or shooting a spit wad at her. Third-grade boys knew nothing of love, only that girls perturbed them in a weird way. On further reflection, the same could be said of the entirety of men's lives.
How many of us remember the agony of classroom Valentine Day celebrations? The worry of how many Valentine cards would be found in my homemade decorated shoebox was enough to make me want to fake illness. Getting no cards or candy hearts at all would basically insure your social standing as a loser for the remainder of your existence at that school. Just hope your father has to take a job in another town.
But even as adults, men have no clue, which is the whole point of Valentine's Day. The logic in a man's mind is: "Why must I be forced to do something special on a certain day of the year to show my affection for my beloved? Are not the trials and tribulations I endure every day enough to establish my never-ending love?" Fool, there is no logic! Only by spending money on candy that will be marked down 75 percent on Feb. 15, taking her to a fancy restaurant for a "prix fixe" dinner priced twice market value, and presenting her with an appropriately themed gift will suffice to show your true love! Remember, in her mind she is thinking, "Don't I deserve love? And jewelry?"
I am not an unromantic fellow. However, I tend to believe that constant excessive outpouring of feelings simply desensitizes your recipient. She will just want, and expect, more of the same, only better and at higher cost. So, ration your affections appropriately.
If you are lucky, you will have found a partner who is sensible, down-to-earth, and, dare I say, "low maintenance." She will understand that you always love her. She knows your love is an unchanging constant, not affected by silly arbitrary holidays that only benefit Hallmark Cards and dentists! Keep deluding yourself that the look on her face as you present her with a box of Junior Mints and an Insta-Pot is pure ecstasy. Oh, she wants you, but not in the way you think!
Diamonds may last forever, but so does my love for you, Honey. And it's a whole lot cheaper, too!
-- Devin Houston is the president/CEO of Houston Enzymes. Send comments or questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. The opinions expressed are those of the author.Editorial on 02/12/2019
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